The News Reel
by IRS
Summary: A collection of short news articles detailing events in the MMORPG Earth & Beyond, in which I was a news reporter. Would that real news was like this, it's far more entertaining.


Well, this isn't so much a story as it is a collection of articles written by myself for the MMORPG Earth & Beyond. Since the game is being shut down, I "yoink!"ed them before the server shutdown sent them to the great bit-bucket in the sky. Most probably won't make much sense if you don't know the game world, but you might enjoy them anyway- some are general enough that no prior knowledge is required.

* * *

Re'sou Orse holding "Zen Prospecting" classes  
  
KAILAASA, CAPELLA - In a refreshing diversion from the ongoing V'rix war, famed Sha'ha'dem grandmaster Re'sou Orse has been holding classes on the quick-growing art of Zen Prospecting. This reporter set out to investigate the development, and found the experience pleasantly calming.  
  
The class started with a simple hour of meditative mining, following a basic pattern designed to release stress and calm the mind. Students recited a short mantra continuously to focus their minds - "Tarr'got Warr'ep Pros'pekt." The hour passed with surprising speed, and was quite refreshing. (It was also mildly profitable, but Mr. Orse never noted this important aspect.)  
  
In the next portion of the class, we moved to a slightly more dangerous field. Here, we learned the art of stealthy harvesting. The exercise generated a fair bit of moral debate among the Jenquai on the ethics of removing resources from their guardians, which allowed me to take in the biggest haul easily. Morality is all fine and dandy (the PR boost can be significant), but the impact on the harvesting failed DeWinter's standard "Can We Afford to be Nice Today?" test.  
  
The final portion was an exploration into interaction with the general public. This part was considerably less fun. The first field visited was completely devoid of valuable materials. From the markings, it appeared that some enterprising fellow had already removed the valued ores. The class seemed not to mind, but it severely impacted my credit/minute ratio.  
  
In the next field there were more guardian creatures, which the Jenquai carefully mined around - until a group of sentinels arrived. Their tactics resulted in what I suspect was the best credit/minute ratio of all, as they ignored the "higher moral" concerns and simply blasted the guardians into lots of little bits, which they added to their haul. Mr. Orse was saying something about tolerance and understanding the ways of others, but most of it was too quiet to be heard over the Rock Monks' "One Hand Clapping" hit single I had been playing to 'get into' the activity.  
  
At the conclusion of the class, Mr. Orse had all the students tell him of some wisdom they had obtained during the class. Most had some spiritual message or whatnot to convey. When my turn came, I presented a full report on the credit/minute ratios I had recorded. I think the response I got indicated the greatness of my report rather well - he simply stared at me for a moment after reviewing the suggestions to ignore low-valued ores and eliminate all guardian creatures, then a single tear, clearly one of joy at seeing such cost-effective measures, rolled down his cheek.  
  
A most satisfactory conclusion to the day, I'd say.

* * *

Reporter Review Time - V'rix Interest Shown  
  
NET-7, SOL- Recently, the editorial staff at Net-7 has been hit with a deluge of submissions, ranging from long time, yet unproductive reporters, to brand new news junkies just starting out. The reason for this influx appears to have been the rather lucrative performance review rewards from Jan Blather and sponsored by GETCo. These special shielding units were made available to the best of the freelance reporters for Net-7, under the strict terms that they not be allowed out of the possession of the honored reporters. However, these shielding units, made from experimental GETCo prototypes, have attracted enourmous attention- not only for their remarkable enhancements upon ship systems, but for a required advertising tie-in agreement that projects a set of holo-billboards around ships using the system.  
  
The submissions themselves have, according to my sources, been showing an incredible diversity of style, length, and even language. There are reports that some submissions are in a V'rix dialect that thus far has eluded translation attempts. A source was able to provide me with a transcript of one of these submissions, as follows: "OMG!!1 I WANTZ TEH SHI3LD00RZ!!! GIMMIE J00 DEVS!!!!!!!1!"  
  
An officer in EarthCorps intelligence attempted to decipher this message for me. According to his report (V-INT-1736, pending approval by Corperal Minsk), it indicated a ploy by the V'rix to obtain advanced terran shielding technology. He also speculated that these "Devs" may be a reference to some type of old divine figure, which fits in well with the V'rix demoralization efforts that hijak human history for their own ends. Personally, this reporter is unfazed by such efforts and will defend the technology entrusted to him with his life and possibly his bank account.  
  
However, no matter who is sending them in, the editorial staff is being overburdened by the sheer mass. In an unofficial statement, one staff member said that they're up for nearly 18 hours every cycle, and that the Tada-O Powerdrink shipments are barely managing to keep the vending machines stocked. However, they are still reviewing every single submission, as there are always other news agencies waiting in the wings to swoop down and take marketshare away.  
  
Tada-O Powerdrink banned from use in Jenquai territory, may void GeneMap integrity in Progens. Use at your own risk.

* * *

Jenquai station hauntings?  
  
Blurb: Rumors of the supernatural are spreading rapidly among wayfarers.  
  
PAREN STATION, KAILAASA - In one of the most bizarre stories this reporter has ever encountered, it appears that Paren Station, home of the Jenquai leader Merjan Kathrada, has become infested with "ghosts, ghouls, and things that go bump in the night." Upon first hearing of this, I was most skeptical about the truthfulness of the report, so I left to investigate the situation. A team of experts on death and the paranormal came with me - Dr. Farr Owut, Sha'ha'dem researcher; Dr. Inflatus Egois, Sabine; and Dr. Ry Isn, Professor of Paranormal Studies.  
  
Upon our arrival, things got off to a rocky start when we noticed various passersby projectile vomiting. Sadly, this proved to not be a supernatural phenomonon, but a reaction to Dr. Egois' aroma. Evidently the good doctor had been involved with the reclaimers for some time, and had neglected to send warning ahead so the dockers could prepare their usual welcome for a Progen. The situation was resolved quickly, since the station personel always kept extra Ceremonial Robes for Honored Progen on hand, made from the finest tree-shaped air fresheners.  
  
Since we had arrived rather late in the station's day, we turned in to acclimate ourselves to the station's clock. The night was uneventful aside from the discovery of preserved human heads in the morning. This was terribly upsetting, as we had been hoping for decayed human heads, or possibly a walking skeleton, not the recently deceased. On the plus side, the hotel manager said that his mother told him to let us to stay free, so the conditions were altogether quite acceptable for the price, even with the recent 250% increase in shower stabbings at that hotel.  
  
Over the next few days, we investigated many of the reports of haunting, but found nothing but various villians using the rumors and cheap costumes to scare away snoopers from their illicit activities. Upon our group exposing them to the authorities, they would usually retort "and I'd have gotten away with it too, if it wern't for you meddling researchers!" It wasn't until we investigated section Usher that we encountered something beyond belief.  
  
In section Usher, we discovered a message, written in blood on the far wall of a room- "i 0wn0rz j00!!!!!!11" Upon further investigation, we discovered that the room had last been occupied by a suspected devolved old family Freespacer. Our group also discovered that he had attempted to engage the entire starbase in combat, but got glared at so strongly the feeble intelligence in his body was accidently pushed aside. This 'disembodied mind' was wreaking havoc, randomly going to people and demanding unreasonable quantities of materials, then removing their heads if they did not comply. I got a firsthand experience of this, when it appeared before me and demanded that I "powerlevel" him, or some such nonsense. When I refused, my head promptly popped off and the ghost ran off with my body.  
  
As you can expect, I was scared nearly witless. All my credit access keys were with that ghost, so my accounts were in serious danger. We whisked off to the station's central complex, and even though we had agreed to remain professional about it, I suspect that some of my fellows were having fun at my expense. After a firm demand that I not be dribbled like a ball anymore while running through the station, we formulated a plan to reclaim my body. Using my head as bait (see photo), we lured my possessed body into a crossfire of multiple "Notorp Packs" -- specially designed anti-psionic devices -- and zapped the ghost.  
  
Upon reattaching my body (thanks to Dr. Egois), we made our final report to Merjan. Once we finished, her eyes rolled back in their sockets, her head spun 720 degrees in a clockwise direction, and with a voice that sounded of many terrible things she said "Nice work." A bit more reserved than her usual responses of late, but still approving. She seemed less happy when Dr. Egois told her that without the ghost the Usher section would likely collapse, as she sucked the life from his body causing him to collapse in a pile of dust. After gathering up his GeneMap, we bid her farewell.  
  
As we left the station, the entire Usher section folded in on itself and vanished as predicted. A successful prediction of this event guaranteed the call forward of Dr. Egois, who is rumored to be attempting to solve the problem of some fallen warriors coming back to life without Sabine intervention, then razing the countryside in a quest for brains.  
  
Thus, that about wraps it up for this story. Sadly, Dr. Owut is no longer available for comment, but can still be reached at his new address, 9212 Dragon Watch way, Xipe Totec, Sirius. Just look for the glowing outline.

* * *

Bogeril Leading the Charge  
  
Blurb: In a surprising turn, Bogeril have been among the most active in the war with the V'rix.  
  
Witburg, Alpha Centauri - In a shocking revelation, the Bogeril, of all people, have been among the most active in the V'rix war. It was reported that the V'rix have taken this as a major threat and launched an assault on all of Witburg, only to be beaten back by the Bogeril Militia. The fact that the Bogeril managed to kill anything has been seen as a major humiliation to EarthCorps, which had been reporting that the Bogeril were almost finished off, and to the Centuriata, who have been showing a surprising shyness towards going out and killing the V'rix.  
  
Reactions to the news were many and varied. Most EarthCorps members were stunned by the news - some sources say Admiral Herrera is considering forming an alliance with the Bogeril, though lower ranking officials "started laughing so hard they were falling over and kicking their feet in the air."  
  
When told of how his Centuriata had been shown up, Kahn turned beet red, veins throbbed in his forehead, steam rose from under his collar, and transmissions from the interviewing reporter abruptly ceased. Thus far, there have been no further volunteers to get Kahn's reaction.  
  
As for the Bogeril themselves, we have a transmission from what we believe is a leader within their ranks:  
  
"Yee-haw! Dem no-gud V'rix ain't gonna git owr prop-r-tee! Good ol' Sam wil be right 'ere wit us, blowin' 'em eway! Or wil b, if Zeke evar gits that Bogeril Ceemunicatshun Duhvise (BCD) of 'is werkin right. I dun no much 'bout it, that crazy teknolojic stuff, but 'ol Zeke sems to no what ta do. But that ain't why I'm talkin' wit ya, I'm a tellin' ya 'bout how we krushed dem no-gud V'rix! Dey came at us wit them dohickiys and thingamabobs and crazy teknolojic stuff, but they dun blow up gud when hit wit scuttledung bombs an' junk slugs, evn bet-tar than dem low-down EartKorps did blew up! Me an' Bubba an' lil' Joe an' big Joe kept dem down, wile owr gud ol' boys in the milita sowd dem why nobody trys to tak owr stuf! Yee-haw!"  
  
From the transcript, it appears the Bogeril are in a celebratory mood right now, which may explain the sudden rise in things getting shot up in Witburg. In any event, this battle is proof that all of humanity can and must help in the war with the V'rix.  
  
There was one final perspective to get on this battle, and this reporter risked his life to bring it to you - the V'rix angle on the fight. While I cannot reveal where or how this quote was obtained, it was all the V'rix had to say on the matter: "D1MNR2DN2CKS"

* * *

Ten-Gu Defeated!  
  
Blurb: The Ten-Gu have suffered their first major setback since the last 'Great Patch' galatic event.  
  
COOPER SECTOR, BETA HYDRI - In a major success for people everywhere who don't like being eaten, the Ten-Gu incursion was greatly set back in a daring raid a few days ago. This reporter would have gotten the story out sooner, but was under heavy medical care for injuries sustained in the effort. Needless to say, the fighting was very intense.  
  
The attack was led by one Bendertherobot, who expressed the truest nature of a proud member of the Centuriata by taking the fight to the enemy. Previous attempts had failed miserably, as the large number of wrecked ships will attest. The Ten-Gu have evolved their strategy, perhaps after considerable study of human tactics employed against them that led to some early defeats. Therefore, Bender devised a new method of attack, that involved displacing the mass of a Ten-Gu with an equal mass of live ammunition in the shortest span of time possible.  
  
As the battle preparations were made, there was a great deal of nervousness among the ranks, not of horrible fangy death as one might expect, but of who would collect the messy, slimy, rather bad-smelling, yet oddly effective equipment that the Ten-Gu and their obscure "Ti" masters employ. After some haggling, a system was devised that was deemed fair by all parties, and the attack commenced once Bender donned the official Fighting Chef's hat and Battle Apron, though everyone ignored the suggestion to "Kiss the Cook" that was proudly emblazoned upon the uniform.  
  
The first wave of Ten-Gu attacked earlier than expected, and overran the guards monitoring the gate. The last transmission detected was "Aaah! Aaah! That was my favorite spleen, you ravenous beast! And that was my only stomach! Ow! My good leg! Have at ye, scoundrel!", then all communication ceased. Alarmed, the main force was quickly deployed. A brave Merchant Prince, having obtained rights to several of the more disgusting and therefore effective parts of the Ten-Gu, volunteered to bring in the first catch of the day.  
  
With close-packed ranks, it was hoped that the Ten-Gu would be scared at the sight of so many large surly Progen with massive tanks of tartar sauce and chip-hauling Terrans. When the first wave pointedly did not run in fear, but messily devoured one of the chip haulers, everyone knew that they would need larger grills, possibly charcoal ones. The first few waves were dealt with easily enough, as everyone skipped dinner and was feeling very hungry. However, after the first Ti roasting, a massive spatial rupture sucked a massive number of soldiers into a Collapsing Temporal Distortion, or CTD.  
  
This setback was serious, and things were looking grim until several soldiers returned, having used their time in the CTD to watch old reruns of "Iron Chef," and a force of Tada-O freighters arrived. The spokesman for the Tada-O force said "Am bringing Tada-O Most Spicy Seasonings for frying of Ten-Gu more pleasure! Am here as gesture good faith, no responsible of Tada-O of Tada-O gate mishap, of gate that is of name Tada-O but not Tada-O." While nobody has any idea what the representive said, the gift was timely and helped sustain and rally the forces arrayed around the gate.  
  
After a few more waves were dispatched at great cost (napkins had long run out, leading to the ruining of many good shirts), the gate shook with a tremendous force as the mighty Zeth'ren-Ti, Dark One of the Ten-Gu, burst forth. The Dark One's personal guard proved to be exceptionally tough and stringy, and the Dark One proved to be the undoing of many brave grillmasters, as can be seen in the attached photo. However, the grand counterattack by a fresh set of arrivals from the SlimThigh Diet Domes of Kailaasa tore apart the Dark One and gave it an excellent light broiling.  
  
After the battle, thanks were given to all, though there were some terse words with regards to certain suspected gluttons. Rewards were split up according to agreement, and the mighty armada split up to go their separate ways. Then they came back when the excessively chewed-on complained that there were still rogue Ten-Gu about. After dispatching the remainders of the Ten-Gu and loading the hospital ships, they left once again. Well, most left. As this reporter was carried away by the hospital transport, one final transmission came through: "Arrgh! Not my new spleen too! Oh, the horrible wretching pain!"

* * *

Discrimination Against Mathematicians Rampant  
  
Blurb: In recent years, discrimination has become a growing problem for mathematicians  
  
ARAGOTH STATION, VT - In yet another shocking display of flagrant discrimination against mathematicians, one was recently denied application to a public number-guessing. When asked to choose a number between 1 and 10, the mathematician choose (1,10) in the domain of R, but had his entry summarily dismissed. We now go to comments from the people in the area:  
  
"I really don't know why they rejected my choice. It was a wholy valid submission; nevermind that it gave me a 100% chance of winning by covering ever possible answer." - Ack Countant  
  
"Really now. It's not fair to others for the mathematically gifted to be able to just dominate a contest like that. People shouldn't have to be left out just because they're dumb as bricks." - By Stander  
  
"It defeats the whole purpose of the contest. It's supposed to be a one-number choice, you know? I'm not going to let some wisenhiemer come in and spoil the fun." - Ree Jector  
  
"I strongly protest the comparison of dumb people with my kind! Sure, it USED to be a valid statement, but not anymore!" - An Aesirium-Balderium Alloy Nanotechnological Brick  
  
"Uhhh... Eleventeen!" - Progen warrior being treated for excessive self-destruct use  
  
As you can see, tensions are running high. The situation with the mathematicians has been declining steadily since accusations arose after the Progen leader, Kahn, peeked over the shoulder of one while he was working and immediately declared him to be in league with the V'rix.

* * *

Gravity Generation Error on Aragoth Station  
  
Blurb: A failure of gravity generators has caused several injuries on Aragoth station.  
  
Valk. Twins, Aragoth- Eariler today, the gravity generators on Aragoth Station suffered a "Perpendicular Phase Coil Shift", according to engineers present. In layman's terms, that means the station gravity was turned sideways for a time. The change was abrupt, sending everyone sprawling towards the bazaar section of the station. The picture we have was taken just moments after the gravity shift, before all objects had landed. Injuries were widespread, and ranged from minor to serious to embarrassing (in the case of a wealthy couple that had been using the station's best suite's jacuzzi). The job terminal line was mostly unaffected, as the sheer mass of people kept them stuck to the terminal until they were dislodged by an array of objects thrown at them by disgruntled freelancers who were unable to reach the terminal in its new 'ceiling' location.  
  
Elsewhere, people were making makeshift ladders to travel from section to section of the station, though more injuries occured as doors opened from below sent the people above on another downwards trip. Progen seemed to be the least affected, and quickly began to make their way to the 'top' of the station where the generators were located. However, disoriented Jenquai reportedly panicked at the sight of "masses of Progen soldiers coming from below", and certain Terrans were purported to be charging ladder tolls and excessively pricing basic medical supplies. While this has not been confirmed, it seems certain that these enterprising folks will be quickly promoted for fast profiteering in a unstable situation.  
  
After about two hours, the Progen managed to restore the station's gravity to normal with the assistance of several large blunt objects. Cleanup has been taking a considerable time, since the entire central nexus of the station was filled with various low-grade ores that spilled from storage bays. A peliminary investigation into the cause of the disruption is underway, and has ruled out mechanical failure or internal sabotage. Scientists have speculated that an exceptionally strong radiation pulse may have knocked the generators out of alignment, and a line of apparent gibberish in the communication logs- "SC1NF4RTH2V3SH14C4D2X- N2G1T3V2" appears to support this theory.

* * *

Tada-O product recall latest mishap for company  
  
Blurb: Tada-O testing procedures called into question.  
  
As of now, Tada-O has issued a formal recall of all Most Breezy Rolldown Ship Windows after several incidents of pilots being sucked into space. The fault lies in a faulty activation mechanism that was originally designed to insure that the windows would function even if ship power failed. These devices employed an ancient yet durable technology called a 'crank' to allow pilots to operate the windows without a viable power cell.  
  
Problems arose when Progen testers discovered that these devices had no atmosphere sensors, and could thus be opened while in the vacuum of space. Doing so causes an explosive evacuation of air inside the cockpit, which will suck out anyone not wearing a Tada-O Snug, More Snug, or Most Snug Seat Belt.  
  
No action was taken at this point, because it was initially seen as a method of weeding out the least intelligent iterations. However, a Jenquai body (not usually recovered by Reclaimers due to detection difficulties) that had been sucked out through a Most Breezy Window got stuck in a weapons cargo ship's particle intake vent, inducing an explosion that destroyed the entire ship.  
  
Kahn and DeWinter both sprang into action, the former declaring war on Tada-O, and the latter sueing the Reclaimers for failure to adequately perform their jobs. After a brief skirmish in which several Tada-O ships were lost, the company finally admitted to "some inadequacy of testing product" and issued the recall order.  
  
In a related note, the Progen Republic has passed a motion put forward by the Reclaimers, and now require all Jenquai in Progen space to wear aluminum-foil pants and a spinning red beacon atop the head to facilitate recovery should they be rendered non-living.  
  
Most Snug Seat Belts are not found on most modern ships, after several reports of them cutting off blood flow to the brain. Reported affects include forgetting basic ship functions, inability to solve simple problems, and speaking in an ancient dialect known as 'l33t'.

* * *

Drunken bet results in Net-7 disaster  
  
Blurb: A Vindis Drone was built on a bet, and has had major ramifications and resulted in a legal battle.  
  
Earlier today, a number of drunken, marginally employed Terrans standing in line at the Net-7 job terminal made a bet, with most unfortunate consequences for all concerned. Security/Litigation Deflection monitors caught the entire conversation on tape. Names have been removed to protect the identities of the transgressors until trial completion/story publication rights have been decided:  
  
Terran 1: "¤hic¤ Geeze, I'm bored... You know of anything to do around here? ¤hic¤"  
  
Terran 2: "Nope, can't say I do... ¤hic¤ Just been collecting drone parts in High Earth."  
  
Terran 3: "Got many ¤hic¤ of them?"  
  
Terran 2: "Oh, YEAH. ¤hic¤ I've got so many, I could probably build an ENTIRE ¤hic¤ Vindis drone!"  
  
Terran 3: "Pshaw! I bet you can't.¤burp¤"  
  
Terran 2: "Bet I ¤hic¤ can!"  
  
Terran 1: "I bet one hundred thousand that you can't!"  
  
Terran 2: "YOU'RE ON!"  
  
Thus, the second Terran proceeded to construct a Vindis Drone out of the salvaged drone parts he had gathered. Unfortunately, said drone proved to be fully functional, and upon the addition of the final part, it activated inside the ship hangar. After destroying all the ships in Parking section C, it blew a hole in the station wall and escaped into the spacelanes. A path of destruction was carved through Saturn sector, Akeron's Gate, and Freya sector before the drone vanished into the Nifleheim Cloud.  
  
Charges have been brought up against the first Terran for failure to pay up on an agreed bet. His lawyer has stated that since he was rendered deceased by the drone, he is under no obligation to make the agreed payment, but the lawyer for the second Terran has countered by saying that there was no 'Void in Case of Death' clause in the agreement.  
  
A decision is expected later this week on whether or not the first Terran will have the sum of the bet pried from his cold, dead fingers. The decision is expected to be a landmark case in the rights of the dead to take their money to their graves. 


End file.
